Contentment

I had a moment today.

It was a normal day full of the usual activity; I went here, I did that, I was late for the other. I came home to a houseful of children. There were my 6, the 2 I babysit, and 2 from down the road. Someone is having a birthday tomorrow, so I baked her a cake. I did dishes, I washed counters, I frosted a cake, I hugged a crying child, I sent a cake home with the birthday girl, I warmed up a big pot of soup, fed it to all the kids- even the baby who has decided to protest his dinner as a nightly occurrance.

And through it all, I breathed in gratitude. So thankful to be in a home that is crazy, filled to the gills with people and all their mess. So glad to have people and relationships, love and contentement.

Yep, it feels good.

Grasping At His Hem

He walked right past her. He was so near. He was a world away. If only she could reach Him. Just one touch.

But the crowd that parted before Him swallowed Him up from behind.

She wanted to call out to Him, to grasp His hand, to fall at His feet and weep on Him.

But she couldn't. She had an issue.

Boy, don't we all. I have issues. I have ugly uncleanness. I have a blackness that trails behind me like a slimy slug. The difference? Sometimes only I can see it. Well, me... and Him. I don't have to go through my day declaring my uncleanliness. I am not bound by any law that says I have to warn people that if they get too close to me they might be affected by my bad mood, they might be sullied by my dark cloud of worry and despair. But I am still unclean.

She could stand it no longer. He was Her Jesus. He was here for her. And all these other people. But for her. Risking her very life and all she held dear she lunged forward. Pushing and shoving against the crowd, she defiled them all.

The exertion was almost too much for her in her state, weakened as she was. At last she was near enough. Lunging forward she fell to the ground, grabbing just a handful of His hem. Scandalous!

She was desperate. She was an out cast. Society dictated it. Me? Not so much. I live a relatively cozy life. Even when I issue blood, as she did, I am not hidden away from society- although it would be nice at times. She had nothing. Nothing but her Jesus. I have everything. It is easy not to need my Jesus.

He turned and saw the defiled woman still clutching His cloak. Her grasp causing His clothing to twist around Him. She was so bold as to sully the only perfect man? He would have been justified in having her put to death, but there was no rebuke. He simply looked at her and told her that she was whole.

I wonder if I could have read this passage the same without my issues. I need my issues. I need my issues so that I need my Jesus. I need not to hide my ugliness. I need to acknowledge that I am unclean. I need to be broken, so that He can make me whole.

Matthew 9:20-22

A New Perspective

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

James 1:2-3

I'm Not Alright

I'm broken inside, broken inside.

I am afraid. Of so many things.

I can't even begin to tell you all the things that hurt inside of me.

Because, honestly, I find myself crying and I don't always know why.

Only other time in my life have I had so much hurt.

Once before I have felt the daily ripping of my heart,

tearing it from my chest.

Once before I have felt the daily pain.

The pain that moves me to tears in the middle of nothing.

In the middle of everything.

The pain that had me clinging to my Jesus.

Clawing at the hem of His garment.

Begging Him to take it away.

Looking back at that time I see how God chose to bless me with a deeper understanding of His love for me.

He taught me that I am never alone no matter how adrift I feel.

He taught me that I am precious to Him, and He desires to give me good gifts.

So, I wonder, What do I have to learn this time?

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
And I am not immune, I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

'Cuz honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, closer to you
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, closer to you
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, closer to you
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
That's why I need you

AND...

...Exhale.