Just for Today, I choose Jesus.

Recently a group of ladies from my church started meeting together over a meal to encourage and to exhort each other.  This month doubt came up.  One of the ladies said that her sweet little child was asking questions like, "How do I know God is real?" and "How come if God is good bad stuff happens?"   My sweet, tender friend admitted to struggling with these same questions in her own heart, and she wasn't sure how to answer her baby.
Here's the thing:  We all doubt.  We all question.  Anyone that says they don't?  They're lying.
I cannot even tell you the number of times that I got up in the morning and prayed, "God, I don't feel like you are real today.  Is that OK?  I want to believe in you, I do.  So just for today, I choose to believe.  Today is all I can manage.  Is that OK, God, if I just choose you today?"
Honest.  That's what they sound like.  And God always meets my tiny faith where it is.  He has never told me that my tiny faith was not enough.  And, usually, I wake up with enough faith for the next day.  If I don't, I go through it all again.
Sometimes all I have is a mustard seed.  And it's enough.

Matthew 17:20b
if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you. 

Since January: April

This year, Abigail decided that she would take the step of obedience and be baptized.  She met with the pastor to confirm her decision to him, and then the worship pastor recorded an interview of Abby saying what baptism means to her.  They played the interview just before her actual dunking.

2013 April Baptism interview - Abigail G. from Jason Chollar on Vimeo.

April 14th, 2013

Since January: March

In March we were finally able to adopt our youngest son.  After living and loving in limbo for two years, we made Levi our forever son.  He's stuck with us now.
We had a VERY quick ceremony at the court house on a Friday morning (my mom and dad missed it while they were parking the car), and then we took some family pictures.

On Saturday we had a blessing and dedication done by our pastor.

And then it was time to PARTY!

 

Since January; February

In February, Elizabeth turned 12.  She shared her birthday with her Great Grandma who would have been 92.  Every year, she and Great Grandma would do something together.  When she was tiny, Great Grandma came to her parties, and we always had a gift for Gigi, too.  As Elizabeth got older and Gigi was no longer able to travel, it evolved into lunch with Gigi and Grandma at Gigi's  house, and became extra special when I had to take her out of school to do it.
For the last two years Elizabeth, Grandma and I have made the trip to Gigi's gravesite.  Elizabeth leaves a pinwheel, since February is so blustery, and the three of us go have lunch.
I am so glad that for the years that my grandma was here, I was able to foster that special bond between them.  One day, Elizabeth will grow up.  She might not have time to have lunch with her grandma and I, and she might not want to trek out in the rain to visit a gravesite.  Until then, I treasure all of these special days.

A Month

A month has gone by.  A month of weird.   A month of returning to normal.  A month of sweet memories, hard memories, tears, and laughter.  Kris, I miss you.

Kris

Decisions

They are not earth shattering.

They are just too hard.  Too hard.

What's for dinner? 

Can I try out for a play?

Can I turn out for wrestling?

How much do I pay on this bill?

Should I stay home, or should I get dressed and go out?

How can I help?

I don't know.  I just don't know.

Don't ask me, because I can't make any decisions this week.

The Treasure

I watched you as you lifted the empty box,
translucent, and much too light.
You wrapped it up and handed it over to strangers. 
You held it tenderly, but with strength and dignity.
I am certain, though, that you wetted it with your tears
as you watched your treasure being poured out.

Dear Sister,

I am going to miss you SO much, but you will be in better care.
So fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus, fly to Jesus and LIVE.

In The Grey

In the dim, grey dawn there is a sense that I am not quite awake, but certainly not quite dead.  In the grey she stands there.  "Mama? Mama? Will you help me?"  She whispers as if not to break the spell.  I nod and dream about her as she stands beside me, waiting.  "Mama?!"  she whispers again.  I peel my eyes open and peer at her through the grey.  "Oh Lord! When did she get so beautiful?"  In the grey my hands twist through her hair, forcing obedience from the honey colored mass.  "Thank you, Mama."  she whispers as she walks away. In the grey, the spell is broken, and I spring to life again.

Best. Big. Brother. EVER.

Oh, To Be Eight Again!

On November 23rd, Jonah turned 8 years old.  

As a birthday traditon, we have doughnuts for breakfast on a birthday morning.  I decided to surprise Jonah  for his birthday and instead of having birthday dinner, we had birthday breakfast.  So, this is what his doughnuts looked like in the morning when he stumbled down the stairs rubbing sleep from his eyes:

After Doughnuts, he opened his presents.

And then he ran off to play with his cousins.  We spent the rest of the day sitting around doing not much of anything until Sebastian came home from work.  Then we went roller skating and out to dinner at Red Robin (YUM!).  

When the waiter brought Jonah his birthday sundae,the baby was ecstatic- until he realized it wasn't for him.  As his face fell, and his eyes clouded over, I couldn't help but laugh at him.  Loudly.  I had to promise him some  "cream" when we got home.  He was so excited to get his cream that he plopped right down on the floor to eat it.

Happy Birthday.

I sure do love you!

Bold On A Sunday Morning

I stalled yesterday, and I didn't go shopping.  Partly because I hate shopping, partly because I hate menu planning, and partly because the baby was asleep for the better part of my shopping hours.  Darn naps.
Anyway, that meant I had to get up early today to go shopping before church.  So I did.

I have a favorite checker.  She shares my daughter's name, she always chats up my kids, and she is always smiling.  Why wouldn't she be my favorite?  As I was loading my groceries onto the conveyor belt, Elizabeth was telling the gentleman in front of me that she got up at 3 am, but that was OK because she would be off work at 10 am.  I piped in, "Well, then you'll be off in time to go to church!  Service starts at 11."

She finished up with the other order and I moved forward, and Elizabeth asked me where I go to church.  I pointed in the general direction of our church and told her the name.  I said if she was interested, then we would be the large family on the right near the back.

As she rang up my order she told me, "I'm not religious or anything, but I'm not against religion.  My mom was forced to go to church when she was a kid, so she never went as an adult.  I mean, I went to Sunday school and stuff when I was little, but that was pretty much it.  My dad and my step mom are Buddhist.  So I guess that just means that they try to be good people, and do good to others."

I asked her, "How do they know if they are good enough?  How do they know that when they get to the end of their lives, the good will outweigh the bad?" She paused for a nano second and looked at me.  "I don't have to know." I said  "As a Christian, I just have to believe  that Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins. There is no accounting for me, because all of the bad is already paid for."

"Yeah, I don't know." Elizabeth replied.  "I guess it's just about doing good for others when you can.  But, you know, when I hear the religious Christmas music, I just...there is no way to describe the way it makes me feel."

"Because your heart is missing something." That was all I said.  She finished my order, we said goodbye, and I re-extended the offer to come visit our church.

Lord, I pray that You would take the little tiny seed of longing in Elizabeth's heart.  That You would cup it in Your hands and cause it to grow.   That You would nurture and feed it, and set it to blossom for the whole world to see.  Amen.

Homecoming 2012

I'm not positive how it came about, especially since our rule about dating is that you have to be 16.

BUT, when you are a 15 year old Junior, and have shown yourself to be trustworthy (AND, your mom is driving you), then sometimes it is OK to bend the rules a little.  His dad and I figured that if we made him wait until he was 16, then he would miss out on all the fun stuff- but we did make it clear that this was the exception to the rule.  So, Jesse got to go to the homecoming dance:

 Jesse and Emily.
She is a freshman or sophomore, and their family goes to our church.

 Her brother, Jared, has been one of Jesse's friends for a few years.

The four of them went out to dinner and then the dance.

And he was one happy, tired boy.

This Boy

This boy turned 13.

He is a runner- thus the "XC" on his cake, and the cool running shirt on his body.

 But, if you look closely at each of the pictures, you will see that his favorite gift is in his hand.

Happy Birthday, Caleb.

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

Not Much, You?

Left over dilly beans (getting quite spicy now), green tomato pickles, peaches, plum jam, strawberry jam, a big space for applesauce, and a small batch of apple sauce, canning supplies, winter clothes, and more canning supplies.

More plum and strawberry jam, blueberries, zucchini, some pork, and underneath it all, some water that we keep in the freezer for 2 reasons: 1) we use it in our coolers so that when it melts it doesn't make a mess, and 2) because if the power goes out, it keeps the freezer colder for a significantly longer time.

So, what have you been up to?

Plum Jam And Jerusalem

Look, I hate plum jam. I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam, I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge. In fact, seeing as it is very unlikely that George Clooney would ever come to Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in ER, I see very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI. Except suddenly- suddenly, I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved. And to do that, I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, and if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it with out council approval, because there are some things that are more important than council approval. A-a-and if it means that we get closer to killing off this shitty, cheating, sly, conniving, bloody disease that cancer is- Oh God, I tell you- I'd run around Skipton Market naked smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cozy and singing "Jerusalem".

There is so much to love about that paragraph. I do like plum jam. I love it. I just made a batch, and I want to make more. I ate a bowl of it for lunch. I did.

So, to the first person who tells me what movie that paragraph is from, what the name of the actor/actress saying it, and the year the movie was released will be given a jar of my FABULOUS plum jam. If you want to smear it on your naked body and go through the market singing Jerusalem, that is completely up to you. Leave your comment on the blog (not facebook if you followed the link).

Salmon River

Meet our new gal. Her name is Clementine. She joins our flotilla as boat number 4. 4. 4 years ago we didn't have any boats....

We decided that since Clementine had a name, we should name this one, too. We like either Maude or Mildred. We are not settled on one yet.
But, both girls behaved very well on our week long river trip this year.

And, So did all of these guys.

Unfortunately, the new camera battery that I bought, did not behave, so these are all the pictures you get this year. What a dissapointment.

Jesse

Jesse (Hebrew): gift

Happy 15th birthday, Son.
You are a gift to us.

Love, Mom

Cousin Camp Day 5