Thursday, September 16, 2010

Struggle

School has started.
My kids are there.
The house is quiet.
Sounds like a dream, right?
Feels like a nightmare.
I have been struggling lately.
I think I need to winter in Arizona.
It started about a month ago.
The days were still warm.
The nights were coming sooner.
Each day there was more left undone.
Then, about two weeks ago, I stopped going to bed at a normal time.
I starting finding non-productive things to putter with.
I started waking up on the couch and dragging myself to bed- kicking myself for all the things I didn't get done.
Two weeks ago, the rain started moving in.
Inside of me, too.
I started walking around in zombie mode.
I still have stretches when things are happy and productive, but I feel like the veil of mist that clings to the air is clinging to my heart, too.
I am struggling.
Worthless.
Unproductive.
Slob.
Those are the thoughts I wrestle with.
I know they are lies.
And don't worry, I have an appointment with my doctor.
It's a yearly discussion of pharmacology and other methods to combat the grey in my head.
It goes away when the skies turn blue again.
Just thought I would let you know.
I am struggling.

11 comments:

Moments 2 Treasure said...

Well, I am in a zoloft crash right now so I really have nothing to offer (why oh why didn't I get that refilled in time?!). Except - have you tried those lights? Or even tanning. The warmth and the hum of the fan - so peaceful. Feels like summer in California!

The Only Son said...

Helllllo.............. Vit. D3. No prescription needed

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

First of all - I'm sorry. That's a frustrating place to be. I'm glad you're talking to your doc. Second, i agree with the Vitamin D... AND tanning. Not crazy amounts so you fry yourself, but just enough to soak in some of that good radiation ;)

Ill be praying

Gramma 2 Many said...

Gotta go with the Only Son. You were thinking about that any way weren't you? Get it!!
Love You.

Elena said...

Ohhhh....this makes me so sad. I hope you pull out of the funk soon. I hate it when I feel like that. And just so you know...I'm a slob too, it isn't pretty, but you're not alone in that regard. Sending happy warm thoughts and blue skies to you! Hang in there.

Frizzy and Bird said...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Nobody likes to feel foggy or any of the other emotions/thoughts you so bravely shared with us. It's a hard thing to admit to ourselves let alone to others and then seek help. I'm proud of you! In addition, I pray the vitamins, medications and/or time with your doc help. Though we've only met a time or two please know I love you and am sending huge bearhugs and prayers your way.

THE OLD GEEZER said...

I pray that you feel better real soon. ~Ron

KleinsteMotte said...

That's a familiar story. Ever get a blood test to check thyroid functions?Seems that's where the regulation is set for everything and few docs test for it using a simple blood test. B12 helps too.Boosts the whole immune thing. Hope you get better soon.

Kris said...

Iv'e been waiting for you to update this post. This has been on my mind since I saw it 2 minutes after you posted it.
I believe there is nothing satan enjoys more than Gods children feeling lost. I have had many of these same struggles.
You know me, that I am a do-er. I think what helps me the most is to remember that it does not matter what I accomplish during the day. God has blessed me with many talents, they are for His and my enjoyment. If I do not use them daily He does not love me less! He does not judge me on my accomplishments. I do(incorrectly), and I feel (incorrectly) that others do.
Shortly after my cancer treatments I started taking antidepressants. In my experience, they did not help me cope with what was bringing me down, They didn't change the rain. They didn't enhance creativity. They did't change other people. They did not increase my value. What they did was make me NOT CARE. I wanted to care and decided that I needed to become proactive.
I don't claim to be "cured" of the blues, But, I am in such a better place than I was. The good days are the ones when I get out of bed and say, "No matter what, Today is going to be a great day."
You have a handful of great friends around you, incorporate them into your day. Go for brisk walks, even in the rain. Invite a friend to a healthy lunch at your house. Work on a project together. Go to ZUMBA!
Save the laundry and house work for the kids, your not the maid. You have taught your kids to do the jobs of life, so let them do them.
Not that I'm endorsing tattoos, But Tricia is onto something... CHOOSE JOY!
Prayer, high quality vitamins, high quality food & exercise.
I love you.

trish said...

bwahahaha!! not laughing at you, laughing at Kris admitting that my tattoo is kind of cool :-)

Now about you....... I think our family has a predisposition to "FUNK" and no one ever talks about it. So good for you. I struggle too. I do find that taking vitamins regularly really helps. And cutting the sugar (which is very hard for me because I am an addict!).

Proverbs 4:23 says "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I think that is so true. Find something to do that feeds and nourishes your heart.....a ladies small group Bible study or such. you've done so much for so many for so long, that it times to nourish you.

Love you!

Mama Nut said...

Hey long lost bloggy buddy! Sorry to hear you have been in a dark and dreary waste. I know the feeling. I've been sloshing through one myself for quite some time. I hope you got your Rx and feel better now. I think I am right behind ya!